It's six o' clock and I just broke my alarm clock Impressions, who needs them? I have my caffeine The field has been evacuated, how was I to play? The jealousy of others is getting just a bit mundane I was workin' my way through my twenties for a wage But I'd rather come home to someone for a change My self esteem made me snort a can of Raid Neil Young was wrong, a man doesn't need a maid What he needs is someone with no damaged goods Interchangeable moods so things never get borin' And someone who'll laugh at his stupid jokеs It's 5pm and I'm in the rush hour car And I wonder why stations all play commercials at thе same time What am I rushin' home to if I don't even have cable Let alone someone to lay all my sarcasm on? A nice home-cooked meal is what I crave And a back window for my car to keep out the rain My self esteem made me snort a can of Raid And I'm watchin' my youth drip like urine down the drain And what I need is someone with no damaged goods Interchangeable moods so things never get borin' And someone to laugh at my stupid jokes I was runnin' my way through my twenties for a wage But I'd rather come home to someone for a change My self esteem made me snort a can of Raid And I'm watchin' my youth drip like urine down the drain And what I need is someone with no damaged goods Interchangeable moods so things never get borin' And someone to laugh at my stupid jokes What I need is someone with no damaged goods Interchangeable moods so things never get borin' And someone to laugh at my stupid jokes

I don't want you to love me And I don't want your groupie sex And I don't care if you need me Please don't let it get more complex Than it needs to be Why can't you see That I am just too breakable? An orgasm is fakeable And I didn't cry when you left Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh I can't stand the temptation Or the allure of groupie sex I've done an evaluation And I'm unhappy with your chest But when I sing I break that twig That grows inside your cranium So, please take this geranium And please just help me fix this mess The mess that comes from groupie sex Now I don't wanna cheat on my girlfriend Wait a second I'm a single man But honestly I'd nail anyone but you Does it mean I'm kinda nailin' you, too? Rock! Na-nanananananana Nananananananana Nananananananana Nananananananana When I sing I break that twig That grows inside your cranium So, please take this geranium And please just help me fix this mess The mess that comes from groupie sex The mess that comes from groupie sex

Well, there's a lot of reasons I don't wanna talk to you And one of them is your new girlfriend I didn't waste any time When I found you like an idiot I hope you make the same mistake So here's to hoping She breaks your will to live And you sleep alone like me Or maybe you'll pick up The phone and try to call me And I'll laugh as hard As hard can be Because you left me for a woman And now you're getting fat And I could not be happier that your hips are boomin' And you're gettin' so fat Oh, so fat Now therе are times when I miss you But I'm glad that I dissеd you Before your growth spurt stopped Now your cheeks are turning pinkish And your tummy's turning piggish You could roll around in slop Now I'm no spring chicken It's not my ego trippin' But you need to quit all of your finger lickin' You used to make fun of my gut But now you've got a lot of your own You've got a lot of guts To leave me for a woman And go and get so fat Well, I could not be happier that your hips are boomin' And you're gettin' so fat Oh, so fat You left me for a woman And now you're getting fat And I could not be happier that your hips are boomin' And you're gettin' so fat Oh, so fat

I know Victoria's secret She keeps it under lock and key Away from me But all I had to do was ask for it And she would let me see I stained up Brenda's garters And I just found them underneath my drawer But I wasn't sure If they had ever belonged to her in high school I was known as a whore Let me tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed Cause I get my share of cookie crumbs in my bed And you might not think it's easy being so undesirable I got a book full of secrets about all of Victoria's girls I stained up Brenda's nightgown The one that's still got imprints of her breasts Oh, what a mess Even when the girl was sleeping she would always dress to impress I just found Stacey's lip gloss She used to keep her mouth so slick But now she's turning tricks Oh, but when the girl was twelve She could stop a line of traffic Let me tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed Cause I get my share of cookie crumbs in my bed And you might not think it's easy being so undesirable I got a book full of secrets about all of Victoria's girls Let me tell you women, you had better dress up If you wanna get with me you'd better look like a slut Cause just your naked body ain't doin' a thing for me You gotta dress up like a hooker if you wanna do anything with me I'm gonna tell all ya' all a story about a man named Jed Who was a poor mountaineer who couldn't keep his family fed And he didn't think it easy being so undesirable He didn't have a book full of secrets about all of Victoria's girls

Got a crush on a girl Named Donna Pinciotti And I wanna take her home And play a badass game of Yahtzee Her real name is Laura And I just want another chance To not make so much noise Next time I'm goin' through her trash I'd make her a bowl of soup Just to hear the girl say thanks I'd bet fifteen million dollars That she shags like a Manx But I'm just a normal guy So I'll never get the chance To undo her polyester blouse And get into those seventies pants Oh, Laura I need medicine Laura be my vicodin Laura you're my demerol I wanna wash you down with alcohol Laura bе my nembutal Laura you're my tuinol Laura is my bag of reds Oh, Laura is my favoritе redhead I'm not obsessed But I just got a tattoo Of your name across my bicep And if you don't have minty breath I would get you a pack of Trident We could dress up like Kiss I wouldn't mind doin' your make-up Or we could talk about Eric And all the things that caused your break-up And I even loved you In that stupid GAP commercial And if for a second You might allow me to get personal I kept a used tube of lipstick You once threw away And now I'm gonna clone ya' Using your lips' DNA Oh, Laura I need medicine Laura be my vicodin Laura you're my demerol I wanna wash you down with alcohol Laura be my nembutal Laura you're my tuinol Laura is my bag of reds Oh, Laura is my favorite redhead I used to have another celebrity crush She went by the name of Drew Berrymore You might have heard of her before She was in a lot of bad nineties movies But one day that crush faded I fell asleep in San Diego And I awoke After having a horrible, horrible dream About her Shaving off my pubic hairs While humming the Tune to some obscure Smashing Pumpkins b-side Named “Slunk” Oh, it freaked me out But I got over it really quick And I was down in the dumps for months, though What brought me back? Laura Prepon Now the skies are sunny And we all have more traditional family values My life would be nothing without you, Laura Laura... I need medicine And a question crossed my mind While I watched your rerun tapes I just gotta know Does the carpet match the drapes? Laura I need medicine Laura be my vicodin Laura you're my demerol I wanna wash you down with alcohol Laura be my nembutal Laura you're my tuinol Laura is my bag of reds Oh, Laura let me give you head

Your favorite albums make me swoon I gotta clean my ears to sing for you But time and space get in our way You parted your teeth just to say that This year has been so hard And you can't say anything that you don't mean You thought I'd forget about your birthday I couldn't do anything quite so mean I only know how to speak this fast When I'm covering up the fact That the truth of the matter is that I don't know What I'm talking about So if you wanna be tucked in, you wanna be bathed I can do those things And I can always stick around Not ever being there at all My incentive to quit cigarettes Is somewhere in Georgia, I must admit It wouldn't matter if it were Gеrmany I still couldn't make my lighter work It doesn't work as wеll as words that I mean but I oughta say Like cliche "I love you" sentences My house is kinda messy but I'll clean it for you I only know how to speak this fast When I'm covering up the fact That the truth of the matter is that I don't know What I'm talking about So if you wanna be tucked in, you wanna be bathed I can do those things And I can always stick around Not ever being there at All I ever wanted was Someone who'd inspire love songs So I could mean them for once I only know how to speak this fast When I'm covering up the fact That the truth of the matter is that I don't know What I'm talking about So if you wanna be tucked in, you wanna be bathed I can do those things And I can always stick around Not ever being there at all

I compare this to A fork stuck in the road It's hard to separate us When we're cut from the same mold And I could have made a joke To try and make you laugh And take the first step To let the past just be the past But we were the same car But in two different lanes But I'm too much of a lawyer To take a bit of blame You're a beautiful seagull And I'm an Alka-Seltzer bar You're just like the frog I kept trapped in a jar So this is the cliffhanger Now the season's complete We might get back together On next year's sweeps And all of the viewers Are feeling shortchanged By two more lovers Indefinitely estranged I had too much to think last night I worked up the courage to fight Now I'm the cheese that stands alone You can call me provolone I can't believe that I Was so mean to you I called you names I was browbeating you So this is the cliffhanger Now the season's complete We might get back together On next year's sweeps And all of the viewers Are feeling shortchanged By two more lovers Indefinitely estranged We were on the same plane But in different classes Flying to different ends Of this planet's axis We were two disc jockeys On opposing stations Now I have to play doctor With a different patient So this is the cliffhanger Now the season's complete We might get back together On next year's sweeps And all of the viewers Are feeling shortchanged By two more lovers Indefinitely estranged

Melena Someone with your eyes Should never have to take the time To ever talk to a guy Like me that vies for your attention And asks you so many questions To find out what you are like Melena You don't follow indie masses I wanna drive you to all your classes And you don't even wear glasses But you've got green eyes And that together with your smile And a guy like me could become a stalker And I wanna wring your shirt into a glass To swallow all your bеads of sweat If I could write music as beautiful as you arе Maybe you'd notice me Melena I know you're painfully shy But there's a magnetic pull to your side And it keeps me ramblin' on all night About the way you flip your hair Your blue and purple hair My mother wouldn't even care if I wanna ring your shirt into a glass To swallow all your beads of sweat If I could write music as beautiful as you are Maybe you'd notice me Melena Oh Melena Oh Melena Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo Melena Why won't you call me back? I wrote my number on your cigarette pack Well I'm smitten and that's a fact That you have probably noticed A heart like mine is always brokest And it's ailing for your...patch? Oh Melena Oh Melena Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

Did you ever wake up With the prospect That nobody of The opposite sex Is gonna call you When you get home from work? And did you ever spend a day off by yourself Because nobody of The opposite sex Cared if you were Free that night or not? Well, if so, I think that you and I should go bowling And moan about our problems and our exes and our break ups And where we keep on goin' wrong Maybe it's the fact that I'm slightly overweight Or all the girls that want me are underage Oh, maybe... Oh, just maybe... Oh, why don't girls likе me? Oh, why don't girls like me? Oh, why don't girls likе me that way? Someone asked me what kind of girl I might seek I said I'd settle For one who likes me And she says "I guess I'm not your type" Cause girls are fickle And maybe that's why They'd rather gouge out Their own eyes With a toothpick than to ever take me home Oh, why don't girls like me? Oh, why don't girls like me? Oh, why don't girls like me that way? Did you notice that I just changed keys? Well, girls don't care about things like these But, if you did can I take you home for something to eat? I gotta a ragged-out car so it's not much fun To go crusin' 'round in the Florida sun But I got the coolest record collection that you're ever gonna see We could get a bottle of Boone's Farms And you could fall asleep in my arms Oh, why don't girls like me? Oh, why don't girls like me? Oh, why don't girls like me that way? Oh, why don't girls like me? Oh, why don't girls like me? Oh, why don't girls like me that way?

Sixteen year-old human slushy Just now comfortable in her own skin Comes out of the woodwork and verbalizes Hopin' that the words will stick but Boy, you'd better grow out of this phase There's some things in life that you just can't have But you're lonely and that's the trouble with things Keep burning yourself on the same frying pans And she's calling just enough to keep you guessing And saying just enough to make you want her And she's keeping you from getting anything done With each fantasy you bring your own hurt Oh, your own hurt College girl’s indie rock princess She wants to put you at the top of her Simplex You've all taken her home after shows So I already know that Boy, you can't get into this phase You can't keep her if you broke up your band But she's lonely and that's the trouble with things You never thought you were this kind of man And she's calling just enough to keep you guessing And saying just enough to make you want her And she's keeping you from getting anything done With each fantasy you bring your own hurt Oh, your own hurt Cause I've stretched my libido past the breaking point I'm 24 and I can't keep my hands off of myself Schizophrenic barstool hotties I don't care if you notice that I'm alive I know it's best to keep my distance So you can keep your coke and your smile but Boy, I'm glad I grew out of that phase Now I can just look back and laugh But if you're lonely and that's the trouble with things There's an attitude I don't understand If she's calling just enough to keep you guessing And saying just enough to make you want her She's keeping you from getting anything done With each fantasy And she's calling just enough to keep you guessing And saying just enough to make you want her And she's keeping you from getting anything done With each fantasy you bring your own hurt

I saw the girl I'm seein' Seein' three guys at once And I saw in all eight of their eyes The reasons that I'm scared of ever Fallin' in love And I'm still seein' her I'm still kissin' her Despite these awkward feelings I feel I'm seein' all of her flaws I'm seein' my mistakes And I'm seein' I was wrong I saw the girl that gave birth to my daughter Lyin' in a hospital gown Just another shinin' example Of takin' that bottle and drinkin' it down And she's doin' fine And they're doin' fine If you can call it that, they're doin' fine She took my little girl away from me And I sleep alone And I sleep all day And I'm tired of feelin' awkward And I'm tired of feelin' this used Tired of only ever bein' attracted to The most fucked-up girl in any given room I saw my mother gettin' smacked around By this guy that didn't really even want her around And I was a little to young to do much of anything But I see a little of that In how I treat girls today And my age is constantly increasin' My libido is slowly decreasin' It doesn't want an audience But it knows that all the world's a stage And it's tired of feelin' awkward And it's tired of feelin' this used Tired of only ever bein' attracted to The most fucked-up girl in any given room Well, I'm tryin' to quit drinkin' And I'm tryin' to quit smokin' Tryin' to kick my ass into simply cleanin' up my house And just make myself a better person For my sake For your sake For my daughter's sake And hell, for the world's sake But I'd be better off in a trailer lately I'm nothin' but a well-fucked sailor lately I'm actin' so dumb I oughta be beaten I should be cooked And then be eaten I'm tired of feelin' awkward And I'm tired of feelin' this used Tired of only every bein' attracted to The most fucked-up girl in any given room I saw the girl I'm seein' Seein' three guys at once And I saw in all eight of their eyes The reasons that I'm scared of ever Fallin' in love

The new boy in the neighborhood Lives upstairs and it’s understood that He’s there just to take good care of me Like he’s one of the family Charles in charge Of our days and our nights Charles in charge Of our wrongs and our rights And I see I want Charles in charge of me Charles in charge Of our days and our nights Charles in charge Of our wrongs and our rights And I see I want Charles in charge of me